Wilco's Jeff Tweedy has announced a couple of solo dates for this weekend and the end of March. Apparently, this man's meds don't allow him to slow down. Good thing for his fans, hopefully an okay thing for his fragile psyche.
A presale for the March shows starts tomorrow morning at 10am.
JEFF TWEEDY TOUR DATES
1/29/2009 State Theatre Kalamazoo,MI
1/30/2009 Ann Arbor Folk Festival at Hill Auditorium
1/31/2009 Foellinger Auditorium Urbana,IL
3/26/2009 Higher Ground South Burlington,VT
3/27/2009 Calvin Theatre Northampton,MA
3/28/2009 Beacon High Auditorium Beacon, NY
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Posted on September 24, 2011 2:26 PM
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
Posted on September 24, 2011 2:29 PM
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Posted on September 24, 2011 2:30 PM
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.
Posted on September 24, 2011 2:31 PM
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
Posted on September 24, 2011 2:32 PM
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
Posted on September 24, 2011 2:34 PM
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Posted on September 24, 2011 2:35 PM
The covers of this book are too far apart.
Posted on September 24, 2011 2:35 PM
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
Posted on September 24, 2011 2:44 PM
Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
Posted on September 24, 2011 2:49 PM
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
Posted on September 24, 2011 2:52 PM
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
Posted on September 24, 2011 2:57 PM
Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
Posted on September 24, 2011 2:58 PM
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
Posted on September 24, 2011 2:58 PM
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
Posted on September 24, 2011 2:59 PM
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
Posted on September 24, 2011 3:00 PM
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
Posted on September 24, 2011 3:00 PM
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
Posted on September 24, 2011 3:02 PM
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
Posted on September 24, 2011 3:02 PM
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
Posted on September 24, 2011 3:02 PM
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
Posted on September 24, 2011 3:11 PM
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Posted on September 24, 2011 3:12 PM
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
Posted on September 24, 2011 3:13 PM
Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
Posted on September 24, 2011 3:13 PM
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
Posted on September 24, 2011 3:14 PM
There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.
Posted on September 24, 2011 3:18 PM
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
Posted on September 24, 2011 3:18 PM
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Posted on September 24, 2011 3:28 PM
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Posted on September 24, 2011 3:29 PM
I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
Posted on September 24, 2011 3:30 PM
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.
Posted on September 24, 2011 3:32 PM
We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
Posted on September 24, 2011 3:35 PM
The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.
Posted on September 24, 2011 3:35 PM
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
Posted on September 24, 2011 3:37 PM
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
Posted on September 24, 2011 3:38 PM
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
Posted on September 24, 2011 3:43 PM
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
Posted on September 24, 2011 3:43 PM
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
Posted on September 24, 2011 3:44 PM
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
Posted on September 24, 2011 3:46 PM
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
Posted on September 24, 2011 3:48 PM
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
Posted on September 24, 2011 3:50 PM
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
Posted on September 24, 2011 3:52 PM
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
Posted on September 24, 2011 3:53 PM
Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.
Posted on September 24, 2011 3:56 PM
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
Posted on September 24, 2011 3:58 PM
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
Posted on September 24, 2011 3:59 PM
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
Posted on September 24, 2011 4:01 PM
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
Posted on September 24, 2011 4:02 PM
Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
Posted on September 24, 2011 4:02 PM
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
Posted on September 24, 2011 4:03 PM
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
Posted on September 24, 2011 4:03 PM
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
Posted on September 24, 2011 4:04 PM
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
Posted on September 24, 2011 4:04 PM
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
Posted on September 24, 2011 4:05 PM
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
Posted on September 24, 2011 4:05 PM
The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.
Posted on September 24, 2011 4:11 PM
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
Posted on September 24, 2011 4:12 PM
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
Posted on September 24, 2011 4:12 PM
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
Posted on September 24, 2011 4:15 PM
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
Posted on September 24, 2011 4:15 PM
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
Posted on September 24, 2011 4:17 PM
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
Posted on September 24, 2011 4:19 PM
What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
Posted on September 24, 2011 4:21 PM
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
Posted on September 24, 2011 4:21 PM
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
Posted on September 24, 2011 4:27 PM
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Posted on September 24, 2011 4:28 PM
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
Posted on September 24, 2011 4:30 PM
If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
Posted on September 24, 2011 4:31 PM
You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
Posted on September 24, 2011 4:36 PM
I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
Posted on September 24, 2011 4:36 PM
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
Posted on September 24, 2011 4:36 PM
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
Posted on September 24, 2011 4:37 PM
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
Posted on September 24, 2011 4:37 PM
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Posted on September 24, 2011 4:37 PM
I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
Posted on September 24, 2011 4:39 PM
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
Posted on September 24, 2011 4:39 PM
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
Posted on September 24, 2011 4:40 PM
I am not young enough to know everything.
Posted on September 24, 2011 4:42 PM
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
Posted on September 24, 2011 4:43 PM
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
Posted on September 24, 2011 4:43 PM
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Posted on September 24, 2011 4:45 PM
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
Posted on September 24, 2011 4:50 PM
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Posted on September 24, 2011 4:52 PM
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
Posted on September 24, 2011 4:52 PM
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
Posted on September 24, 2011 4:53 PM
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Posted on September 24, 2011 4:54 PM
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
Posted on September 24, 2011 4:55 PM
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
Posted on September 24, 2011 4:57 PM
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Posted on September 24, 2011 5:01 PM
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Posted on September 24, 2011 5:03 PM
I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
Posted on September 24, 2011 5:04 PM
War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.
Posted on September 24, 2011 5:05 PM
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
Posted on September 24, 2011 5:07 PM
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
Posted on September 24, 2011 5:07 PM
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
Posted on September 24, 2011 5:08 PM
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Posted on September 24, 2011 5:09 PM
We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?
Posted on September 24, 2011 5:11 PM
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
Posted on September 24, 2011 5:11 PM
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
Posted on September 24, 2011 5:13 PM
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
Posted on September 24, 2011 5:14 PM
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
Posted on September 24, 2011 5:15 PM
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
Posted on September 24, 2011 5:16 PM
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Posted on September 24, 2011 5:17 PM
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
Posted on September 24, 2011 5:18 PM
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
Posted on September 24, 2011 5:20 PM
The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.
Posted on September 24, 2011 5:23 PM
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
Posted on September 24, 2011 5:23 PM
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.
Posted on September 24, 2011 5:25 PM
Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.
Posted on September 24, 2011 5:26 PM
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
Posted on September 24, 2011 5:27 PM
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.
Posted on September 24, 2011 5:27 PM
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
Posted on September 24, 2011 5:33 PM
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'
Posted on September 24, 2011 5:33 PM
If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
Posted on September 24, 2011 5:35 PM
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
Posted on September 24, 2011 5:36 PM
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
Posted on September 24, 2011 5:37 PM
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
Posted on September 24, 2011 5:38 PM
It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software
Posted on September 24, 2011 5:38 PM
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Posted on September 24, 2011 5:40 PM
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
Posted on September 24, 2011 5:41 PM
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
Posted on September 24, 2011 5:42 PM
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
Posted on September 24, 2011 5:43 PM
You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
Posted on September 24, 2011 5:43 PM
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
Posted on September 24, 2011 5:47 PM
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
Posted on September 24, 2011 5:48 PM
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
Posted on September 24, 2011 5:48 PM
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Posted on September 24, 2011 5:50 PM
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
Posted on September 24, 2011 5:50 PM
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
Posted on September 24, 2011 5:50 PM
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
Posted on September 24, 2011 5:51 PM
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
Posted on September 24, 2011 5:53 PM
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
Posted on September 24, 2011 5:58 PM
In this war as in others I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
Posted on September 24, 2011 6:01 PM
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Posted on September 24, 2011 6:02 PM
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
Posted on September 24, 2011 6:02 PM
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
Posted on September 24, 2011 6:04 PM
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
Posted on September 24, 2011 6:05 PM
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
Posted on September 24, 2011 6:08 PM
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
Posted on September 24, 2011 6:08 PM
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
Posted on September 24, 2011 6:09 PM
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
Posted on September 24, 2011 6:13 PM
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
Posted on September 24, 2011 6:14 PM
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
Posted on September 24, 2011 6:16 PM
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Posted on September 24, 2011 6:16 PM
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Posted on September 24, 2011 6:16 PM
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
Posted on September 24, 2011 6:17 PM
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Posted on September 24, 2011 6:21 PM
Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.
Posted on September 24, 2011 6:22 PM
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
Posted on September 24, 2011 6:22 PM
If you are going through hell, keep going.
Posted on September 24, 2011 6:22 PM
Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist and better tools.
Posted on September 24, 2011 6:23 PM
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Posted on September 24, 2011 6:24 PM
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
Posted on September 24, 2011 6:29 PM
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
Posted on September 24, 2011 6:32 PM
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
Posted on September 24, 2011 6:35 PM
You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
Posted on September 24, 2011 6:36 PM
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
Posted on September 24, 2011 6:36 PM
The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.
Posted on September 24, 2011 6:38 PM
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
Posted on September 24, 2011 6:40 PM
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
Posted on September 24, 2011 6:43 PM
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Posted on September 24, 2011 6:44 PM
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!
Posted on September 24, 2011 6:46 PM
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.
Posted on September 24, 2011 6:47 PM
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
Posted on September 24, 2011 6:49 PM
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
Posted on September 24, 2011 6:49 PM
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
Posted on September 24, 2011 6:50 PM
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
Posted on September 24, 2011 6:51 PM
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
Posted on September 24, 2011 6:51 PM
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Posted on September 24, 2011 6:55 PM
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
Posted on September 24, 2011 6:56 PM
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Posted on September 24, 2011 6:57 PM
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
Posted on September 24, 2011 6:58 PM
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
Posted on September 24, 2011 6:58 PM
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
Posted on September 24, 2011 6:59 PM
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Posted on September 24, 2011 7:00 PM
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
Posted on September 24, 2011 7:04 PM
Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
Posted on September 24, 2011 7:04 PM
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
Posted on September 24, 2011 7:05 PM
The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
Posted on September 24, 2011 7:09 PM
The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
Posted on September 24, 2011 7:11 PM
Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist and better tools.
Posted on September 24, 2011 7:12 PM
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
Posted on September 24, 2011 7:13 PM
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
Posted on September 24, 2011 7:13 PM
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
Posted on September 24, 2011 7:19 PM
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
Posted on September 24, 2011 7:19 PM
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
Posted on September 24, 2011 7:20 PM
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
Posted on September 24, 2011 7:21 PM
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
Posted on September 24, 2011 7:21 PM
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
Posted on September 24, 2011 7:24 PM
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
Posted on September 24, 2011 7:25 PM
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
Posted on September 24, 2011 7:27 PM
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
Posted on September 24, 2011 7:28 PM
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
Posted on September 24, 2011 7:30 PM
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
Posted on September 24, 2011 7:31 PM
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.
Posted on September 24, 2011 7:31 PM
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Posted on September 24, 2011 7:32 PM
Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.
Posted on September 24, 2011 7:35 PM
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
Posted on September 24, 2011 7:35 PM
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Posted on September 24, 2011 7:38 PM
The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
Posted on September 24, 2011 7:39 PM
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
Posted on September 24, 2011 7:41 PM
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
Posted on September 24, 2011 7:41 PM
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
Posted on September 24, 2011 7:42 PM
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
Posted on September 24, 2011 7:43 PM
The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
Posted on September 24, 2011 7:46 PM
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Posted on September 24, 2011 7:46 PM
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Posted on September 24, 2011 7:53 PM
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Posted on September 24, 2011 7:53 PM
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
Posted on September 24, 2011 7:55 PM
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Posted on September 24, 2011 7:55 PM
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
Posted on September 24, 2011 7:55 PM
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
Posted on September 24, 2011 7:59 PM
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Posted on September 24, 2011 7:59 PM
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
Posted on September 24, 2011 8:04 PM
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Posted on September 24, 2011 8:04 PM
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
Posted on September 24, 2011 8:06 PM
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
Posted on September 24, 2011 8:09 PM
The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.
Posted on September 24, 2011 8:10 PM
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
Posted on September 24, 2011 8:10 PM
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
Posted on September 24, 2011 8:13 PM
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
Posted on September 24, 2011 8:13 PM
Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.
Posted on September 24, 2011 8:14 PM
But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.
Posted on September 24, 2011 8:16 PM
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Posted on September 24, 2011 8:20 PM
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
Posted on September 24, 2011 8:22 PM
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
Posted on September 24, 2011 8:24 PM
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
Posted on September 24, 2011 8:27 PM
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Posted on September 24, 2011 8:28 PM
The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
Posted on September 24, 2011 8:33 PM
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
Posted on September 24, 2011 8:34 PM
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Posted on September 24, 2011 8:34 PM
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
Posted on September 24, 2011 8:36 PM
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
Posted on September 24, 2011 8:37 PM
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
Posted on September 24, 2011 8:38 PM
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
Posted on September 24, 2011 8:38 PM
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
Posted on September 24, 2011 8:42 PM
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
Posted on September 24, 2011 8:43 PM
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
Posted on September 24, 2011 8:45 PM
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
Posted on September 24, 2011 8:46 PM
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
Posted on September 24, 2011 8:48 PM
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
Posted on September 24, 2011 8:49 PM
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
Posted on September 24, 2011 8:50 PM
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
Posted on September 24, 2011 8:53 PM
Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
Posted on September 24, 2011 8:56 PM
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
Posted on September 24, 2011 9:00 PM
It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
Posted on September 24, 2011 9:02 PM
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
Posted on September 24, 2011 9:02 PM
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
Posted on September 24, 2011 9:03 PM
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
Posted on September 24, 2011 9:07 PM
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
Posted on September 24, 2011 9:07 PM
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
Posted on September 24, 2011 9:10 PM
I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
Posted on September 24, 2011 9:10 PM
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
Posted on September 24, 2011 9:11 PM
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
Posted on September 24, 2011 9:12 PM
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
Posted on September 24, 2011 9:13 PM
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
Posted on September 24, 2011 9:16 PM
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
Posted on September 24, 2011 9:19 PM
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
Posted on September 24, 2011 9:19 PM
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
Posted on September 24, 2011 9:23 PM
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
Posted on September 24, 2011 9:24 PM
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
Posted on September 24, 2011 9:26 PM
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
Posted on September 24, 2011 9:29 PM
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
Posted on September 24, 2011 9:31 PM
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
Posted on September 24, 2011 9:33 PM
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
Posted on September 24, 2011 9:35 PM
Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
Posted on September 24, 2011 9:36 PM
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
Posted on September 24, 2011 9:36 PM
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
Posted on September 24, 2011 9:42 PM
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
Posted on September 24, 2011 9:42 PM
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
Posted on September 24, 2011 9:42 PM
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
Posted on September 24, 2011 9:43 PM
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
Posted on September 24, 2011 9:44 PM
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
Posted on September 24, 2011 9:45 PM
Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
Posted on September 24, 2011 9:47 PM
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Posted on September 24, 2011 9:50 PM
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
Posted on September 24, 2011 9:53 PM
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
Posted on September 24, 2011 9:53 PM
Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
Posted on September 24, 2011 9:56 PM
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
Posted on September 24, 2011 9:59 PM
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.
Posted on September 24, 2011 10:03 PM
I am not young enough to know everything.
Posted on September 24, 2011 10:07 PM
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Posted on September 24, 2011 10:07 PM
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
Posted on September 24, 2011 10:08 PM
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Posted on September 24, 2011 10:08 PM
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
Posted on September 24, 2011 10:09 PM
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
Posted on September 24, 2011 10:13 PM
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
Posted on September 24, 2011 10:14 PM
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
Posted on September 24, 2011 10:19 PM
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
Posted on September 24, 2011 10:23 PM
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
Posted on September 24, 2011 10:30 PM
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
Posted on September 24, 2011 10:32 PM
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
Posted on September 24, 2011 10:33 PM
A hen is only an eggs way of making another egg.
Posted on September 24, 2011 10:39 PM
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
Posted on September 24, 2011 10:41 PM
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
Posted on September 24, 2011 10:43 PM
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
Posted on September 24, 2011 10:44 PM
It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software
Posted on September 24, 2011 10:44 PM
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
Posted on September 24, 2011 10:46 PM
The truth is more important than the facts.
Posted on September 24, 2011 10:47 PM
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Posted on September 24, 2011 10:56 PM
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
Posted on September 24, 2011 11:02 PM
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
Posted on September 24, 2011 11:15 PM
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Posted on September 24, 2011 11:16 PM
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
Posted on September 24, 2011 11:17 PM
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
Posted on September 24, 2011 11:24 PM
Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?
Posted on September 24, 2011 11:29 PM
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
Posted on September 24, 2011 11:29 PM
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
Posted on September 24, 2011 11:40 PM
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Posted on September 24, 2011 11:43 PM
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
Posted on September 24, 2011 11:44 PM
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
Posted on September 24, 2011 11:44 PM
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
Posted on September 24, 2011 11:50 PM
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
Posted on September 24, 2011 11:51 PM
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Posted on September 24, 2011 11:57 PM
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
Posted on September 25, 2011 12:02 AM
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
Posted on September 25, 2011 12:17 AM
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
Posted on September 25, 2011 12:19 AM
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
Posted on September 25, 2011 12:32 AM
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
Posted on September 25, 2011 12:46 AM
I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
Posted on September 25, 2011 12:53 AM
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
Posted on September 25, 2011 12:54 AM
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
Posted on September 25, 2011 1:00 AM
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
Posted on September 25, 2011 1:00 AM
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
Posted on September 25, 2011 1:07 AM
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.
Posted on September 25, 2011 1:22 AM
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Posted on September 25, 2011 1:23 AM
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
Posted on September 25, 2011 1:30 AM
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
Posted on September 25, 2011 1:51 AM
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
Posted on September 25, 2011 2:31 AM
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
Posted on September 25, 2011 2:48 AM
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Posted on September 25, 2011 3:59 AM
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
Posted on September 25, 2011 4:22 AM
Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
Posted on September 25, 2011 4:36 AM
I am not young enough to know everything.
Posted on September 25, 2011 6:06 AM
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
Posted on September 25, 2011 6:12 AM
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
Posted on September 25, 2011 6:12 AM
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
Posted on September 25, 2011 6:55 AM
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
Posted on September 25, 2011 9:07 AM
It’s onerous to search out educated people on this topic, however you sound like you realize what you’re talking about! Thanks
Posted on September 25, 2011 1:05 PM
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
Posted on September 25, 2011 3:11 PM
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
Posted on September 25, 2011 3:18 PM
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
Posted on September 25, 2011 3:18 PM
The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
Posted on September 25, 2011 3:19 PM
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
Posted on September 25, 2011 3:21 PM
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
Posted on September 25, 2011 3:24 PM
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
Posted on September 25, 2011 3:26 PM
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
Posted on September 25, 2011 3:29 PM
If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
Posted on September 25, 2011 3:31 PM
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
Posted on September 25, 2011 3:32 PM
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Posted on September 25, 2011 3:34 PM
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
Posted on September 25, 2011 3:36 PM
You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
Posted on September 25, 2011 3:40 PM
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
Posted on September 25, 2011 3:40 PM
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
Posted on September 25, 2011 3:43 PM
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Posted on September 25, 2011 3:44 PM
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
Posted on September 25, 2011 3:46 PM
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Posted on September 25, 2011 3:47 PM
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
Posted on September 25, 2011 3:49 PM
Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.
Posted on September 25, 2011 3:53 PM
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
Posted on September 25, 2011 3:55 PM
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Posted on September 25, 2011 3:55 PM
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
Posted on September 25, 2011 3:58 PM
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Posted on September 25, 2011 3:58 PM
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
Posted on September 25, 2011 4:01 PM
If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
Posted on September 25, 2011 4:02 PM
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
Posted on September 25, 2011 4:03 PM
The covers of this book are too far apart.
Posted on September 25, 2011 4:08 PM
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Posted on September 25, 2011 4:08 PM
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
Posted on September 25, 2011 4:10 PM
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
Posted on September 25, 2011 4:11 PM
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
Posted on September 25, 2011 4:13 PM
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
Posted on September 25, 2011 4:16 PM
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
Posted on September 25, 2011 4:16 PM
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Posted on September 25, 2011 4:18 PM
Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
Posted on September 25, 2011 4:19 PM
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
Posted on September 25, 2011 4:22 PM
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Posted on September 25, 2011 4:23 PM
The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
Posted on September 25, 2011 4:24 PM
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
Posted on September 25, 2011 4:28 PM
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
Posted on September 25, 2011 4:30 PM
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
Posted on September 25, 2011 4:31 PM
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
Posted on September 25, 2011 4:31 PM
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
Posted on September 25, 2011 4:33 PM
If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.
Posted on September 25, 2011 4:34 PM
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
Posted on September 25, 2011 4:37 PM
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
Posted on September 25, 2011 4:37 PM
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
Posted on September 25, 2011 4:37 PM
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Posted on September 25, 2011 4:40 PM
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
Posted on September 25, 2011 4:43 PM
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
Posted on September 25, 2011 4:43 PM
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
Posted on September 25, 2011 4:45 PM
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
Posted on September 25, 2011 4:49 PM
After every 'victory' you have more enemies.
Posted on September 25, 2011 4:50 PM
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
Posted on September 25, 2011 4:51 PM
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
Posted on September 25, 2011 4:52 PM
You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
Posted on September 25, 2011 4:52 PM
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
Posted on September 25, 2011 4:54 PM
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
Posted on September 25, 2011 4:59 PM
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
Posted on September 25, 2011 4:59 PM
If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
Posted on September 25, 2011 5:02 PM
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
Posted on September 25, 2011 5:04 PM
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
Posted on September 25, 2011 5:07 PM
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
Posted on September 25, 2011 5:08 PM
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Posted on September 25, 2011 5:08 PM
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.
Posted on September 25, 2011 5:09 PM
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
Posted on September 25, 2011 5:10 PM
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
Posted on September 25, 2011 5:11 PM
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
Posted on September 25, 2011 5:11 PM
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Posted on September 25, 2011 5:14 PM
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Posted on September 25, 2011 5:18 PM
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
Posted on September 25, 2011 5:19 PM
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air
Posted on September 25, 2011 5:20 PM
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
Posted on September 25, 2011 5:21 PM
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
Posted on September 25, 2011 5:25 PM
I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
Posted on September 25, 2011 5:26 PM
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Posted on September 25, 2011 5:27 PM
I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
Posted on September 25, 2011 5:27 PM
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
Posted on September 25, 2011 5:28 PM
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
Posted on September 25, 2011 5:28 PM
If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.
Posted on September 25, 2011 5:29 PM
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
Posted on September 25, 2011 5:36 PM
Why don't you write books people can read?
Posted on September 25, 2011 5:36 PM
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
Posted on September 25, 2011 5:39 PM
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
Posted on September 25, 2011 5:41 PM
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
Posted on September 25, 2011 5:43 PM
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Posted on September 25, 2011 5:43 PM
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.
Posted on September 25, 2011 5:43 PM
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Posted on September 25, 2011 5:45 PM
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
Posted on September 25, 2011 5:46 PM
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
Posted on September 25, 2011 5:49 PM
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
Posted on September 25, 2011 5:50 PM
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
Posted on September 25, 2011 5:50 PM
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
Posted on September 25, 2011 5:57 PM
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
Posted on September 25, 2011 5:58 PM
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
Posted on September 25, 2011 6:00 PM
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
Posted on September 25, 2011 6:00 PM
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
Posted on September 25, 2011 6:01 PM
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
Posted on September 25, 2011 6:04 PM
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
Posted on September 25, 2011 6:04 PM
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.
Posted on September 25, 2011 6:05 PM
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
Posted on September 25, 2011 6:06 PM
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.
Posted on September 25, 2011 6:07 PM
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
Posted on September 25, 2011 6:08 PM
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
Posted on September 25, 2011 6:10 PM
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
Posted on September 25, 2011 6:11 PM
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
Posted on September 25, 2011 6:14 PM
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
Posted on September 25, 2011 6:17 PM
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Posted on September 25, 2011 6:21 PM
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Posted on September 25, 2011 6:21 PM
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
Posted on September 25, 2011 6:23 PM
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
Posted on September 25, 2011 6:24 PM
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
Posted on September 25, 2011 6:25 PM
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
Posted on September 25, 2011 6:25 PM
If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
Posted on September 25, 2011 6:28 PM
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
Posted on September 25, 2011 6:30 PM
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Posted on September 25, 2011 6:32 PM
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Posted on September 25, 2011 6:33 PM
Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
Posted on September 25, 2011 6:34 PM
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
Posted on September 25, 2011 6:35 PM
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
Posted on September 25, 2011 6:36 PM
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Posted on September 25, 2011 6:40 PM
It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
Posted on September 25, 2011 6:45 PM
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
Posted on September 26, 2011 7:34 PM
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Posted on September 28, 2011 6:04 PM
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Posted on October 1, 2011 5:48 AM
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Posted on October 19, 2011 11:31 PM
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Posted on October 25, 2011 1:59 PM